I was frightened of and traumatized by my mom. Unknowingly, she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, brought about by her early childhood trauma (being born into World War II, having an abusive father, and her mother abandoning her at 7 yrs old). When I was a kid, she was a rage-aholic and I felt like I was a frequent target of her abusive outbursts.
Then my dad died suddenly when I was 10 years old; this was also a traumatic loss for me. We did not know he had brain cancer. The feeling that I was abandoned by a parent was a traumatic experience for me, as well as the chronic fear that I had already built up from my mom’s behaviors was also traumatic. I grew up being afraid for my survival. I am also an only child, so I felt isolated and alone, and I was literally isolated and alone as a kid. Because my grieving triggered my mom, I was not allowed to grieve for my dad or express the painful emotions I was experiencing. I felt trapped and isolated in my pain and suffering until I left home at 16.
Throughout my adult life, I have struggled with the emotional characteristics of an adult child of a narcissistic parent, and the emotional abuse that comes with it, including low self esteem, chronic shame, depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and difficulty establishing boundaries. However, I also have the superpowers of an adult child of a narcissistic parent: highly attuned intuition, a strong ability to read emotional cues, exceptional empathy for others, and resilience in the face of criticism.
Thankfully, in my 20s, after getting in a pretty serious car accident, I had a spiritual experience where I felt a spiritual or angelic presence surrounding me and comforting me. This comfort from the Divine awakened me to a path of spiritual seeking healing
that moved me forward.
In hindsight, I'm very grateful that I am naturally sensitive and have some innate sense of spiritual awareness and feeling of a connection to a higher power and to my spiritual guidance. I think without this, I would have been despairing. I would not have known how to grow or move forward with the trauma and the suffering I experienced as a child.
Over the past 30 years, I have utilized several of the practices I share below to help me when I am struggling with the effects of my early childhood trauma. In my early twenties, I did “morning pages” which is a form of journaling that helps you move through all of the monkey mind and emotional garbage that you are feeling in order to get you to a place of solutions and creativity. I utilized visual art to transmute my pain and suffering into a new vision for myself. More recently, I have used prayer and meditation to help me with anxiety. And over the entire 30 years, I have exercised, hiked, gone in nature, done qi gong and yoga to shift my energy and reconnect with myself. I even developed a ritualistic process of attuning to the Moon cycle for supporting my healing and growth, which I published this year called “Activating Lunar Alchemy”.
The path of post traumatic growth and healing is ongoing for someone who has experienced exceptional trauma. My growth continues now, because I see the power and value of post traumatic growth. I continue to utilize my spiritual practices and awareness to work on myself and transmute the early childhood traumas that I faced.
