My Story of Pain and Trauma
My story of growth and the story behind Activating Lunar Alchemy has been about getting out of emotional pain. My dad died of brain cancer when I was 10. The grief, loss, and feelings of abandonment cast a shadow over much of my life.
After my dad’s memorial service, my mom told me to move on, look forward, and not dwell in the past. In hindsight, I know she meant well and gave me her best advice, but my loss and grief were deep. I missed my dad, and I didn’t know how to process his death. When I expressed sadness, pain, or grief, I got in trouble. I took to hiding my grief and internalized it in order to cope.
I was 18 when my grief resurfaced. I was overwhelmed with a despairing chasm of sadness for several weeks. This is when my grieving process began.
I graduated from college at 20 and decided to reject a ‘real’ job in Connecticut so that I could work with kids at a summer camp. I felt that my direction was in psychology and working with people. I ended up getting a job in the kitchen, which was not as kid oriented as I had hoped.
The kitchen manager was a married, 45-year-old man who did long-term kitchen and catering gigs. Initially, we formed a friendship. I was a hard worker and became his reliable assistant in the kitchen. However, as the summer wore on, he expressed interest in dating me. I told him I was only interested in a professional and collegial relationship.
As the summer wore on, I became more and more valuable as the kitchen assistant, and I was promoted to manager in the second kitchen, serving the older kids.
The kitchen manager and I went out to celebrate my promotion. After we finished our meal, he reached over and kissed me. I lost it. I had been honest and clear multiple times that I wasn’t interested. I felt so frustrated and discouraged that I couldn’t make myself clear. I had been date raped two times previously and had experienced a lot of sexual harassment and similar negative sexual encounters. I felt powerless and frustrated. I was angry at him, although I was enraged at myself for being in this situation.
I left the camp in a frantic state. The emotional turmoil of that experience culminated in a terrifying car accident as I drove away. My car swerved off a cliff and into the Colorado River. In those moments, as my car plunged into the water, I thought I was going to die.
After climbing up the riverbank, some men in a passing blue truck picked me up and helped with my car.
That accident marked a turning point for me. It forced me to confront the pain I had been running from for so long.
For so long, I was running away from and pushing my pain deep down. I didn’t want to feel, address, or work with it. That was one of the benefits of the car accident; I finally had to stop, feel, and confront the pain I was in. When I surrendered to it, I went through one of the most profound healing periods of my life.
Pain has taught me that it is not something to be feared or avoided, but rather embraced and understood. It was through my own suffering that I found compassion, purpose, and ultimately, the path to healing others. My pain showed me the direction of my growth and desires, pushing me toward the spiritual healing work that I now do.
This journey hasn’t been easy, but it has been transformative. The pain that once held me back became the catalyst for my greatest gifts and blessings. By facing my pain head-on, I found a deep connection to my spiritual self and a purpose in helping others do the same. I’ve learned that pain can be transmuted into spiritual abundance—a concept that lies at the heart of my work and my book, Activating Lunar Alchemy.
